First and foremost I appreciate all my family and friends for being there for me. Also thank you for always wanting the best for me. I feel like they all have this idea of the exact person I should be with. Whether the person is my age and with kids or older. Whether that person be a certain shape, size, or race. I’m sure many don’t care about the race yet they all still have some form of preference. Which is their opinion and one in which they are entitled too. No one wants me to date any one younger because they feel someone young would not want to be in a serious relationship. I too has this thought but to me I think I was being hypocritical of that idea. That could be true or it could not be true. It all comes down to each individual. I feel I cannot speak on whether someone young wants to be in a committed relationship or not because those same questions where asked of me when I decided to get married at 19. Even now I don’t feel that I got married young. I feel like my age had nothing to do with anything. I got married at the time because I wanted to be with that person forever. Which is a hard concept to grasp no matter what age you are. But being older doesnt make you more equipped to answer that question either. So many people around the world marry young and are still together. You honestly don’t know how things will turn out in any relationship. So why let society dictate the parameters. Every relations is unique to its own. Comparing really makes no sense and that’s something I need to stop doing as well. But those are all topics for another blog……
I have an ideal person in my that I want to be with. That person is not bound to a certain image, age or physical attribute but of course it is on my mind. It’s based on personality traits and characteristics. I’m more interested in their flaws and shortcomings while also being closely guarded with my emotions.
I’ve been divorced for five years now and I have only dated two people in that time frame. Why? It’s because I’m cautious, paranoid, and generally don’t like people. Yes, I seem friendly and kind, on most days I am. But there’s also a side to me where my extreme introverted personality comes into play and I rather not speak or see anyone for a week straight. So in other words I feel like it’s rare for me to actually like someone and want to date them. There will be ones where I have crushes on them but I usually keep that to myself. There have also been times where I try to take chances and I get rejected but I take that as a sign from the universe that it wasn’t worth my time.
Back to me being a divrocee, even though I am divorced it does not mean I was or am a failure when it comes to relationships. It was not a mistake either! I did everything I could and exhausted all of my energy but a time came where a choice had to be made to either sink deeper into depression or save myself. The third option of working it out had already failed. So I chose to save myself and free myself from the situation. Everyone makes their own choices in life then others are forced to make their choices based on the actions of another. I was that person. I had to make a choice. Many will say that because I was young when I got married that was the reason it didn’t work out. To be honest I feel like that’s a complete bullshit ass answer and a fucking cope out. I think when people mention age it’s just used as an excuse for why they made a mistake or when shit didn’t turn out right. If I could go back in time and come to that crossroad again I would STILL choose to get married. Even knowing exactly what the outcome was I would not change a DAMN thing! Not because of my kids but because I love my life. At the time I loved my ex wife more than anything. People fail to appreciate everything, that includes the good and the bad. This life that we live is all about love, relationships, and experiences. I will never not appreciate an experience even if I feel like it was negative. I know this is my life and I’m writing the story to it, no one else. There could be some supernatural or spiritual being guiding me but my life has gone exactly the way I have wanted it to go. That’s the harsh reality of it all. For everything bad that has happened to me I know there’s a part of me that has wanted it to be that way. You don’t grow from the good experiences as much as you grow from the bad experiences. Patience is the life lesson that I have learned through it all.
So as I continue to navigate this strange and weird world of dating I have to constantly remind myself to appreciate the opinions of others but also remember that I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks lol. I trust my gut and instincts above all. I have yet to be wrong no matter how someone else may view it. Life is going according to plan. Maybe I’ll end up with the love of my life happily married or maybe I’ll end up alone. Shit I could even die later tonight in a motorcycle crash. Who the fuck really knows. But this is life! It’s exciting, scary, happy, and sad all at the same time. Live and enjoy!!!! š
Inner Thoughts of A Conscious Being 