Two years back, as I was running around that track, I felt the pain and stress in my chest during that test. Only to find out I had a heart attack. One doc told me I was to young for that. Another said the test was wrong, my EKG is just weird because I’m black…… Yea, I had to laugh at that. So you telling me your PhD gave you all that knowledge just to make that assumption. The other doctor told me I had a heart problem but failed to explain anything while another said it was a mild heart attack. Meanwhile I ask google what these words mean and NIH and Wikipedia explained everything. All the thoughts I had going on inside my brain I would have never imagined this being a possibility. To have a bad heart before the age of thirty. I had to explain this to my kids. But I’m not ready to leave. Doctors tell me not to worry because they don’t see anything but the test says otherwise, I’m counting at least five, that says my heart is bad. So why do they lie? The reality is they don’t even care. Ignore the simple facts just to get me up out of there. But this is my life and I’m gonna fight. I’m paying attention to the signs. I’m not going out like Kimbo Slice and countless others. No drugs were found in his system, his stomach was hurting so he checked himself into a hospital for medical assistance. Then come to find out his heart is failing and he needs a transplant asap or else he’ll be living six feet deep in the graveyard wishing he would have asked more questions during all his physical appointments. They don’t check shit and dismiss what your saying. I’ve complained for years about shortness of breathe and stomach ache only to be push aside. They looked at my outward appearance and said “Wow, your a skinny guy!”. I’m hurting inside but your worried about the outside now years have past and I’m question how long I will stay alive. My pride tries to hide any fear that may reside, to be honest, I didn’t even cry. Too cocky to believe that I’m going to die but not to stupid enough to monitor my heart. Look at my diet, I can no longer do the same exercises that got me my physique. I work out like a 60 year old lady. This shit ain’t even funny but I laugh at my own jokes to hide the sadness. What really makes me piss is how these doctors never gave a shit. I’m sitting in the office arguing with them, asking them to explain the results I see. Because I’m know dummy and I’ve been doing my homework to know what these words are. It’s a shock sometimes that I’ve even made it this far. I’m working my life away just to pay for my car, the rent, and all of my bills. You have to wonder at times, is this what life is for real? I cherish every moment I spend with loved ones, friends, and my kids because you don’t know how long any one of us has to live. And when I do die, I leave behind a legeacy that lives on in Myles and Sydney. I’m thinking Lindsey doesn’t give a damn about me, when I’m gone all she’s gonna ask is, “Where’s the insurance money?”. It’s all too funny and I don’t blame her. I’m no longer harboring any anger towards anybody. I’m making my peace with all of humanity, trying my best the be the greatest human being I can be. And when that time comes, whether I’m 29 or 85, I’m going out like a “G” with my head held high. I’ll say goodbye to Robert and Bivins, and all of my family and friends. I hope they forever remember me like a legend……………
Naw fuck that I don’t know what I was thinking by even writing this shit. I have too many goals left that I need to accomplish. Kids I need to raise and people I need to save. Today’s not the day and neither is tomoorow. Death is right around the corner I can see him in the distance. But I’m looking dead into his eyes, screaming, IM NOT READY TO DIE. PEACE BITCH!!!!
Inner Thoughts of A Conscious Being 